The old addage that time heals all wounds is most definitely false. My Daddy would have had another birthday a few weeks ago and I had another birthday two weeks later. I have cried and continue to cry over our loss of him. It has been almost 3 years without him and there is still a physical pain at times. My throat closes up, an emptiness in my heart and I feel a knot in my stomach some days just when I think about him being gone. Does that sound like I'm healing? It certainly does not feel that way in the moment.
I do recognize that those things only happen part of the time now, so I guess it is progress. I go on with my life because that is what one does, but I often think, "How would my life be different if he hadn't pulled that trigger?" Would I be a better or worse person? While I wish the answer was I would be a better person, I doubt that is the truth.
Instead I have fought my own work ethic and personality to be more present for my kids. While not perfect, I am much more apt to ignore work calls and messages after hours. I have always been bug in physical and verbal affection, so that remains the same. I am becoming more balanced with caring for my community while still saying no to things that will take too much from me personally.
I am becoming able to speak of Daddy without tears at times. Maybe I am healing, but there seems to be a huge hole in my heart that nothing can fill.
