Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

The old addage that time heals all wounds is most definitely false. My Daddy would have had another birthday a few weeks ago and I had another birthday two weeks later. I have cried and continue to cry over our loss of him.  It has been almost 3 years without him and there is still a physical pain at times.  My throat closes up, an emptiness in my heart and I feel a knot in my stomach some days just when I think about him being gone. Does that sound like I'm healing? It certainly does not feel that way in the moment.

I do recognize that those things only happen part of the time now,  so I guess it is progress. I go on with my life because that is what one does, but I often think, "How would my life be different if he hadn't pulled that trigger?" Would I be a better or worse person? While I wish the answer was I would be a better person, I doubt that is the truth.

Instead I have fought my own work ethic and personality to be more present for my kids. While not perfect, I am much more apt to ignore work calls and messages after hours. I have always been bug in physical and verbal affection, so that remains the same. I am becoming more balanced with caring for my community while still saying no to things that will take too much from me personally. 

I am becoming able to speak of Daddy without tears at times. Maybe I am healing,  but there seems to be a huge hole in my heart that nothing can fill. 

Feeling Stuck

 I often feel like I can't move forward. There are so many things in my life that gnaw at me.  Things that happened this morning,  last week or ten years ago they all haunt me.  I wish that I could forget. If it is an action by another, I forgive easily,  but I cannot forget.  I think I don't forget it,  because the wound happened and I'm trying to stay on guard so it doesn't hurt as bad next time.  So have I truly forgiven if I can't move past the hurt?

If it is something that I have done,  I will likely never forgive myself for what I did wrong to someone else.  It will continue to enter my thoughts as I go to sleep.  

I wonder if it is due to being raised by a narcissist and being married to one as well.  Was I always going to be this way or was I programmed by my upbringing to be guilty always? I sit alone often and just cry because even though I know everything is not my fault I also know I have some fault in every situation. It is exhausting to have lived this long and constantly question myself. 

I just want to be happy and carefree like I was to some extent growing up.  I miss my father's perspective and reassurance in my life. I truly think he is the one person that understood me fully and he's gone. I also think maybe he didn't understand, because he would have known that I needed him now more than ever and he killed himself.  Then that moves me to thinking I was not there enough for him to voice his despair over his situation and that is why he is gone. Do you see what I mean? This life is exhausting. 

I am obviously not doing well in my goal to get back to my grateful, balanced self as previously posted. When I take a step in the right direction one of the other areas of my life falters. Maybe I'm just destined to be an unsuccessful juggler always chasing after the ball that dropped.