I often feel like I can't move forward. There are so many things in my life that gnaw at me. Things that happened this morning, last week or ten years ago they all haunt me. I wish that I could forget. If it is an action by another, I forgive easily, but I cannot forget. I think I don't forget it, because the wound happened and I'm trying to stay on guard so it doesn't hurt as bad next time. So have I truly forgiven if I can't move past the hurt?
If it is something that I have done, I will likely never forgive myself for what I did wrong to someone else. It will continue to enter my thoughts as I go to sleep.
I wonder if it is due to being raised by a narcissist and being married to one as well. Was I always going to be this way or was I programmed by my upbringing to be guilty always? I sit alone often and just cry because even though I know everything is not my fault I also know I have some fault in every situation. It is exhausting to have lived this long and constantly question myself.
I just want to be happy and carefree like I was to some extent growing up. I miss my father's perspective and reassurance in my life. I truly think he is the one person that understood me fully and he's gone. I also think maybe he didn't understand, because he would have known that I needed him now more than ever and he killed himself. Then that moves me to thinking I was not there enough for him to voice his despair over his situation and that is why he is gone. Do you see what I mean? This life is exhausting.
I am obviously not doing well in my goal to get back to my grateful, balanced self as previously posted. When I take a step in the right direction one of the other areas of my life falters. Maybe I'm just destined to be an unsuccessful juggler always chasing after the ball that dropped.
