Regrets

For most of my life, I operated on a no regrets plan.  I did everything that I thought would be fun within the bounds of the law. I continued on that path after my first child was born.  He and I would load up after work and head an hour away to the zoo. We laughed. We read Bible stories.  We snuggled in his tiny toddler bed. We sang. We loved while we lived as large as our meager means allowed.

Now,  we run.  We run to school. We run to therapy.  We run to basketball.  We run to archery.  We run to baseball.  We run and run with a few laughs and a lot of anger.  Anger at unmet expectations and willful disobedience.  Anger at the fact that I am the parent constantly running. Anger that even if something arises for my spouse's work that I need to attend, I must navigate childcare.  I must make sure someone can pick up the youngest by 5:45. That whomever is picking up has one of our booster seats. Know if we'll be back in time for dinner. Know if everyone in our house has clean clothes for tomorrow. Know what appointments are happening this week and who is taking the kids to the appointment (spoiler:it will be me or my mother). Know what is at home for dinner. Make dinner. Plate every one's dinner. Eat dinner. Say hi to my spouse when he arrives home whilst the rest of us are eating.  Clean up all of the dishes from cooking.  If I run the dishwasher, I must now announce that to everyone (they evidently cannot understand the light system; orange in progress, green clean). Baths. Arguing over bedtime. Tucking into their beds. No time for reading or singing, just a hug and a kiss. Time for tv with my husband.  Time to clean the house,  I have none.

Angry words because the house is not clean.  Help, I need help. I am not the only person that lives here.  I should not be the only person responsible for cleaning.  Anger at another crappy day, that will surely roll into tomorrow.

Regret. I am not the happy mother I was.  I am not the fun wife I was.  I am not the kind mother I was.  I am not the attentive wife I was.  I am tired.  I am angry.  I am lost inside myself.