Enough

Enough, will I ever feel like I am enough for anyone in my life? I have spent my entire life trying to be enough for everyone else. My parents, my brother (okay maybe not. JK), my grandparents,  my friends,  my bosses, my husband and now my children I have tried to please them all. To be my best for them all,  but is my best enough?

Am I enough?  I have asked myself this question dozens of times in 34 years.  Yet, in the last six months I have asked myself this nearly every day multiple times each day. 

I am grappling with the guilt of being a working full-time plus mother/wife/child/sister and all of the time I put my job before family. The honest admission is it happens a lot. I wonder if my short visits and lack of time are the reason my father is gone. I wonder if I had made more time for him would he have stayed. He killed himself just after my busiest two months a year for work.  Just two weeks after my mother finally cut his hair (something I had done for the last year and a half) when I couldn't break off a solid 45 minutes in a month's time to cut his hair. No one blames me,  but I blame me.

My kids need the calm, loving and understanding mom they used to have.  Instead they get the cranky, loving and apologetic mom. My husband needs some different me, but I am not quite sure which version of me he needs that he isn't getting.  My brother needs my presence I believe,  so I am trying to include him in our crazy schedule more.  My mom needs me to listen and I do, but there is something more she seems to need that I can't figure out.

I am wondering now am I enough for me.  Am I ever going to consistently feel happy or content in my life? Am I always going to be failing someone?