Enough

Enough, will I ever feel like I am enough for anyone in my life? I have spent my entire life trying to be enough for everyone else. My parents, my brother (okay maybe not. JK), my grandparents,  my friends,  my bosses, my husband and now my children I have tried to please them all. To be my best for them all,  but is my best enough?

Am I enough?  I have asked myself this question dozens of times in 34 years.  Yet, in the last six months I have asked myself this nearly every day multiple times each day. 

I am grappling with the guilt of being a working full-time plus mother/wife/child/sister and all of the time I put my job before family. The honest admission is it happens a lot. I wonder if my short visits and lack of time are the reason my father is gone. I wonder if I had made more time for him would he have stayed. He killed himself just after my busiest two months a year for work.  Just two weeks after my mother finally cut his hair (something I had done for the last year and a half) when I couldn't break off a solid 45 minutes in a month's time to cut his hair. No one blames me,  but I blame me.

My kids need the calm, loving and understanding mom they used to have.  Instead they get the cranky, loving and apologetic mom. My husband needs some different me, but I am not quite sure which version of me he needs that he isn't getting.  My brother needs my presence I believe,  so I am trying to include him in our crazy schedule more.  My mom needs me to listen and I do, but there is something more she seems to need that I can't figure out.

I am wondering now am I enough for me.  Am I ever going to consistently feel happy or content in my life? Am I always going to be failing someone?

My Crazy

I like to think I have a decent amount of friends for someone with my type of life situation (kids, husband, works from home). Sometimes though I feel utterly alone with no one to talk to. In those times, I unload a ton of information on someone that I barely know. This is my worst fear come to life.

I have been self aware and self conscious since I was very young. Most people  confuse my self deprecation as a ploy to get compliments. This common misconception is entirely valid considering how I portray myself to the majority of society. I act as though I am confident and outgoing when in reality most social situations fill me with anxiety and I always doubt my abilities.

I care what others think, but act as though I do not. Why? Because there is a thin line between caring enough and caring too much. The truth is I'm probably one that cares too much. I have been diversifying my personality and my life since elementary school, so as to not be too far on any one side or characteristic.

The only upside to this type of behavior is that I can connect with anyone about something. The downside is in every situation I am constantly running over am I being too talkative, too quiet, too enthusiastic, too dry, too self-centered, too closed off? This is my mind everyday pretty much all day.